Brain pan squishness.

Almost a year on from my brain pan squishness. 
Almost every night before I go to sleep little things come to me and honestly make me cry. 

Here are some of those things over the last couple of weeks. 

• waking up that first morning confused as to where I was and why I couldn’t move.

• Daves scared face looking at me in the ambulance as I was blue lighted to the Mater Hospital.

• My family’s faces looking pale, tired and terrified the first time they saw me.

• Staring at the ceiling the first day when my family and Dave were gone and saying over and over, “this is not happening”

• Not being able to breath and coughing up blood (hospital acquired pneumonia from the surgery)

• People lifting my right arm and dropping it over and over as I couldn’t hold it up but it hurt so much every time it landed

• Being so thirsty while waiting on an MRI Left alone for 45 mins and being two feet from the cooler, may as well have been in space.

• Being held down while they preformed a transesophageal echo on me

• The kind nurse who washed my hair

• The kind nurse who spent 30 minutes trying to draw blood rather than try find another vein as I begged not to have blood taken from my wrist

• Being hoisted out of the bed into a chair

• The minutes, hours and days I spent staring at my toes willing them to move.

• Being lifted around like a bag of spuds for bed baths, changes, MRIs, cat scans, xrays, ultra sounds and on and on

• Being talked about not too

• Being told I’m an interesting case while I’m struggling to breathe, paralysed and scared

• Losing control of my bladder for almost a week and having to wear a adult nappy and being changed. Meanwhile also having my period on blood thinners.

• Drs scrapping my affected foot to try to get a reflex and really really hurting me cause I still had all sensation

• Sitting in a wheelchair beside two other stroke survivors both in their 80s and they got up and walked with a zimmer and I was barely able to pull myself to sitting

• Sitting at the end of the parallel bars and feeling like I was at the start of a marathon

• Standing at the bottom of the three steps in physio wondering would I ever get up them as easy as I climbed steps before.

• Hearing a patient being read her last rites in the ward

There are a million more moments as anyone whos spent any time in hospital for any period of time but felt good to get these ones outta my noggin.