Kronically Kayt

My body is a cage And I locked inside Peering through the bars To the things I could have done If it weren't for this prison of flesh. Every second is pain Every minute agony Every hour, Every day knowing it will never stop Never You cannot understand what it takes from you. Steals your joy, Your hope when you need it most. As I fade I try to remember me Kayt 

What I mean... When you ask me how I am and I say "Ah the usual" or "Same old same old" I want you to know what I mean. I mean there is pain, there's always pain. From the moment I wake up till the time I fall into a restless sleep there is pain. And it's not just pain in one area it's everywhere, everything hurts but it's at a level where I can leave the house, go to the shops go to the gym, meet you for a drink etc without breaking down. That the fatigue isn't so bad that I can do nothing, I just need to pace myself. When you asked me how I am and I say "today is a bad day" I want you to know what I mean. I mean there is pain and I can barely handle it. I mean I have probably cried already today and will again with frustration, anger, pain and exhaustion at the fact my own body does this to me for no reason. I want you to know I have wished for a switch to be able to just turn off everything; have imagined cutti...

Do you ever stop hoping to wake up well? Does it ever get to a point when you don't wake up and feel that near grief in the pit of your stomach? I honestly don't know which is worse, having that hope or losing it. Rationally I know there is always pain. 24-7-365 The levels vary but the certainty of the pain begin there never changes. Does it ever end? Kayt Jan 2018

So a little while ago I was having quite a hard time coming to terms with the good day/bad day stuff. It was hard to remember the good days when the bad days got in on me and hard to remember things I had accomplished and over come when it came to my anxiety issues when all I felt was pain and frustration. Then it came to me. Light bulb moment! For my first wedding anniversary which is paper, I had got a jar and filled it with 101 things I love about my husband....... Cheesy huh! Mega cheesy yes! Well I started to think why could I do that for him and not for myself and that's how it started. My mom being my mom gave me a pretty Duiske sweet jar rather than the jam jar I was going to use. The first thing that got added to it was the first trip I made to Belfast to see my Neurologist on my own which was a huge thing for me the two hour drive on unfamiliar roads and then back again with little to no panic. I add to it as often as I can even if it some...

I used to have this recurring nightmare about a night I was in hospital back in 1993. In all the pain, worry and horribleness of the time I was there this night my overriding memory. When I dream about it I wake up in a sweat or crying and my hubby trying to comfort me in my sleep. Last year as part of a trail for people with chronic pain I was offered the chance to see a physiologist. After a few sessions with her my nightmare, instead of being a couple of times a month was once in a year and a half. However since I found out I am having surgery in a couple days I've had it three times already. This surgery is not anything like as serious as my one before but it seems to have triggered something in my self conscious so I thought maybe if I wrote it down it might help it get out of my head so here goes. By the way don't read any further if bodily fluids freak you out! The hospital I was in, Connolly Hospital Blanchardstown, was an old TB hospital and at this...

When you have a chronic condition of any kind you seem to spend a lot of your life waiting. You wait for appointments to see doctors or specialists, for tests or surgery. You wait in waiting rooms for seemingly arbitrary appointment times You wait for you prescription to be filled You wait for new medications to kick in, if they ever do You wait for the pain to ease You wait for some sort of help You wait for people to believe or understand what you are going through You wait for sleep to come, sometimes it is the only relief from the unending pain, frustration, grief and anger. You wait Kayt Sept 17

So I decided to start this blog about my life and living with Chronic Illness so let me give you a little background about me! I came into the world at 3.20pm on the 15th of May 1978 and I came in screaming. I was healthy bar some jaundice caused by my mom developing toxemia  in the weeks before I was born. I always was an awkward bugger! I had a reasonably healthy childhood with the usual childhood illnesses, measles, chickenpox and a few kidney infections but otherwise I was healthy. I started developing migraines at the age of 8, not very often but I remember being very scared that I was going blind. My mom and grand mom suffered with the them too so it was in the genes. Lucky me! Just before I turned 12 I started having problems and pain around going to the toilet and eating. I can remember being in 6th Class in primary school and really needing to go to the toilet and my teacher at the time telling me I needed to wait until the break. I can remember how panic...