Do you?

-

Do you ever stop hoping to wake up well?
Does it ever get to a point when you don't wake up and feel that near grief in the pit of your stomach?
I honestly don't know which is worse, having that hope or losing it.
Rationally I know there is always pain.
24-7-365
The levels vary but the certainty of the pain begin there never changes.
Does it ever end?

Kayt Jan 2018

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My Stroke Story

-
Image
I’m writing all of this down to get it out of my head and who knows maybe it will help someone else not to feel so alone one day.  I've added some not so flattering photos. On Monday the 15th of July 2019 I went to Blanchardstown hospital to beg the doctors to remove a stent I had in my ureter from my kidney to my bladder. I've had one since the 4th of April due to a large kidney stone, 2cm, and the fact my ureter is apparently the smallest they had ever seen. Lucky me! They have blasted the stone on May 25th and changed the stent but it was causing me so much pain I needed it out. I could barely walk or stand with the pain which we later found out was due to tiny bits of stone residue had coming down into the ureter beside the stent and were lodged there causing constant rubbing. That’s what had been causing all my pain.    So, I went to outpatients and begged for surgery and the consultant agreed. They had a pretty full surgical schedule but were going to fit me in
Read more

Its been a while

-
Image
I haven't posted on here in a bit because I've been having a hard time dealing with things. But last night I posted a comment on an article by Unilad to do with childcare and buried in the abuse I got back (because I spoke about talking to babies and children about nappy changes rather than just doing them. Yes I'm a monster) was one comment that said,  "Kind of hard to believe you “worked in childcare all your life” when you have Crohn's Disease, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Migraine, as per your blog."  Yes I know stalker much? However lately I've felt all I am is pain and waiting for surgeries etc  but that comment made me stop and think.  Yes right now the pain and sadness are maxed out I am also much more.  I'm a wife, daughter, sister, friend.  I'm very qualified and experienced, passionate childcare professional even if I am too ill to practice that at the minute.  I'm a Sci fi loving, dungeons and dragons nerd who loves computer game
Read more

Eight weeks post stroke

-
Tonight it will be eight weeks since I had my stroke and while physically I'm doing much better bar my toes who don't seem to want to improve, mentally I'm still exhausted most of the time. I get little bursts of energy and then over do it and crash again but I think I'm getting the balance a little better. Its like I'm having a prolonged fibro flare energy wise which is hard. Physiologically I don't know how I am doing. One minute I'm up, the next I am crashing into darkness and holding back tears. I don't know if its a common thing with brain injuries like strokes or whether its the seriousness of it all, the brush with death and paralysis. Maybe its a little of both but its hard to deal with especially when you feel abandoned by most of those that call themselves friends, those that wanted to see me laying in a hospital bed unable to move or speak at my lowest ebb seemed to lose interest when I got home. Maybe that is part of my melancholy. The coupl
Read more