Kronically Kayt

Almost a year on from my brain pan squishness.  Almost every night before I go to sleep little things come to me and honestly make me cry.  Here are some of those things over the last couple of weeks.  waking up that first morning confused as to where I was and why I couldn’t move. Daves scared face looking at me in the ambulance as I was blue lighted to the Mater Hospital. My family’s faces looking pale, tired and terrified the first time they saw me. Staring at the ceiling the first day when my family and Dave were gone and saying over and over, “this is not happening” Not being able to breath and coughing up blood (hospital acquired pneumonia from the surgery) People lifting my right arm and dropping it over and over as I couldn’t hold it up but it hurt so much every time it landed Being so thirsty while waiting on an MRI Left alone for 45 mins and being two feet from the cooler, may as well have been in space. Being held down while th...

Have been meaning to update this but here I am now. So my stent surgery went ahead on the 9th of March. All the nurses and drs were so kind and understanding at my many crying sessions before the surgery. Everyone knew who I was and wanted to say hi because yet again I am an "interesting case" as in no one has had a post surgery stroke in a long time. Thankfully all went well and they kept me over night for observation just to be on the safe side. They removed the stent but put in a temporary one that I was to have out on the 18th March. Covid was really ramping up here in Ireland between the two dates. On the 16th at 5.55pm I got a text to say the removal was cancelled. I tried to call the advice line straight away but it was closed and the next day to because it was St Paddys day. On the morning of the 18th my appointment was to have been at 10am. I called when I woke at 10am to see when I could have the stent out as it has a max of two weeks before it needs to be out. Af...

So we are about eight weeks into 2020. Out of those eight weeks there was one week where I didn’t have an outpatients appointment, physio appointment, GP visit. What a life!   So at the beginning of January I finally met with the cardiologist  about the hole in my heart that was discovered when I had my stroke. It was one of the most frustrating appointments I have ever had because we were left waiting for an hour in the exam room while the Doctor Who was the  grouchiest  doctor I think I’ve ever met to go and talk to the main consultant . In fact  pissed me off so much that I have made a complaint. I have 25 years of experience of these kind of appointments and I have never felt like I was taking up somebody’s time or so unimportant as I did with thi s.    Anyway the outcome was they are not going to close the hole in my heart. When I had the stroke there was a random clot in my  aorta  and they have no idea why it was there how it...

6 months have gone by in a flash. It feels like yesterday and at the same time years ago that I had my stroke. I think I'm starting to cope better but in saying that last Monday I was back at the hospital that I was in for the first two weeks for the first time since and as soon as we stepped out of the lift and stood in front of Costa coffee I burst into tears. It flooded over me and I couldn't speak, thankfully Dave was there to hug me and help me get it out. When I was in hospital the week after the stroke they would get me out of bed and into a wheelchair and Dave would push me outside so I could breath. One of those days we went into Costa coffe which is in the hospital and went into the little courtyard. The sun was shining so bright it was almost blinding but I saw myself reflected in the glass and broke down, I looked so weak and helpless. My head resting on a head support, the wheel chair adapted to tilt me backwards slightly as I wouldn't be able to stop mys...

While I was in hospital in July last year post stroke they discovered I had a hole in my heart. Because of this I had to go see a cardiologist last Monday, 6th Jan. For 27 years I have been attending out patient appointments for any of my six specialist not including this cardiologist as it was my first, and seemingly last, appointment with him. Having had an ECG and my vitals measured I watched as other patients were called in to speak to doctors who shook their hands said hello with a smile on their faces and were in general pleasant. Then out came my Dr with a face like thunder especially when I said I had to run to the loo as I still have this MEGA PAINFUL stent in my ureter. My husband tried to explain this to her but she seemingly didn't care. When we were all in the exam room she asked me 4 questions and spend the rest of the 25 mins looking at her computer saying NOT A WORD! I mean i understand I've had alot of tests post stroke to try figure out the cause but even g...

It hits me like a wave  And I can’t breathe  My pulse races  My heart pounds  And the tears come. I’m back there  in the dark Alone and paralysed.  Terrified of what’s to come  What will life be? The despair, The lack of fight.  The wanting it all to end Because how much more can I take.. More than I thought possible

Twelve weeks on from stroke and its all a bit surreal that it ever happened. Physically I'm back as much as I'm going to be I think. Slight loss in toe control which effects my already dodgy balance lol. Going down stairs or steps or even small inclines in grass is tricky and requires concentration and the tiny spasms I seem to have developed mostly in my foot are a lil annoying. Mentally stuff like concentration and memory is mostly better but still hard to mutli task. My ma in issues now are A. I am emotional as hell. Coldplay who I am not a fan of in the background of a show I was watching made me cry the other day. I cry at the drop of a hat and its like it washes over me and I am powerless to stop it. Im assured by fellow stroke survivors that this is normal with brain injury and will improve with time. B The dreams. Almost nightly of waking up and not being able to move and various unpleasantness while I was in hospital. Everytime I wake up the first thing I do is wriggl...